I don't bloody think you're fat!
by Ryane-Foxx
Summary: This is a piece of the after story of Knowing The Real You :) You don't need to read it to understand this. Spike needs help. Xander's hormones are going crazy and he can't take it anymore - in comes Giles and Remin to the rescue. Mentions of MPreg.


_Hey everybody! :D No worries, I'm working on the other chapters to RNF & HoL; this little piece just hit me & HAD to be written. If you've read Knowing The Real You, good for you; you have good taste ;P This is a piece dedicated to the future of that story. You needn't of read KTRY to understand this, but you totally should if you haven't ;) Anyway, he's to the hopefully humorous one-shot. Enjoy! _

_Warnings: Humor, hurt/comfort, mentions of sex, mentions to convince others to have sex, :) Fluff_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor its characters. I do not make profit from writing this. All rights go to the respected creators._

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"Come on, come on. Pick up the bloody phone!" The phone continued to ring annoyingly in his ear as he looked around quickly to make sure his mate wasn't in the room to catch him. It was becoming unbearable. No one ever told him that pregnancy mood swings could be this horrible!

"Hello?"

"About bloody time you picked up the phone! Tell your boyfriend to stop trying to get into your pants and to come help me!" He heard the tell-tale signs of the older Brit cleaning his glasses.

"Spike, is everything alright? Xander isn't hurt, is he?"

"No everything isn't alright, you bloody ponce! Xander's lost his marbles, that's what's wrong with him! One moment we're cuddling and the next thing I know he's hitting me over the head sobbing about how I think he's a bloody whale! I never even said a word!" Spike hissed into the phone, nervously looking around to make sure Xander didn't sneak up on him. Giles couldn't help the laughter that escaped him and Spike growled louder in irritation.

"This isn't funny dammit! He's about to drive me up a wall with these bloody hormones. Tell your lover boy to get over here and help me."

"What makes you think Remin can do anything to console Xander? Give him a break, Spike. He's six months pregnant, he's allowed his moments.

"There's a difference between moments and trying to knock my skull off with his over exaggerations of my feelings. One moment I'm rubbing his stomach, the next he's punching me in the head sobbing! Something has to be done! I won't survive another 3 months this way." Just then, Xander came into the room with tear filled eyes.

"Y-you hate me, that's it isn't it? I'm just too fat for you now! Who's on the phone, Will?! Your new boyfriend?" Giles felt bad for the vampire when he heard Xander's tearful yet angry words.

"Now love, calm down, yeah? You know I love you with every bit of my dead heart, there's no one else pet. Just talkin' to Giles, I am."

"You're leaving me for Giles?! Does Remin know about this?!" Giles flinched when he heard the phone slam on the table and the sound of someone beating on someone else. He knew Xander couldn't hurt Spike, even with his demonic abilities.

"Now come on love! It isn't like that! He's too old for me anyway! Xan-pet, calm down!" Spike said, trying to grab a hold of Xander's wrists without hurting him. Giles could barely made out Xander's angry words between sobs as Spike tried to console the smaller man. The arms wrapping around his waist made him jump, glancing over his shoulder at the other man.

"Good Lord Remin, you scared me."

"What's wrong with Xander now? It doesn't sound good." He murmured, kissing along Giles' jaw.

"It's Spike, Xander's hormonal mood swings are getting pretty bad. One second Spike is telling me what's going on, then Xander comes in crying about being fat and Spike leaving him for me; go figure." Remin chuckled a bit before pulling the phone from his companion's grasp; placing his lips right to the receiver.

"Xander. Xander it's me, Remin. Stop hitting William and pick up the phone."

"Listen to me love, it's Remin; he's trying to talk to you. Please love, listen!" Remin could hear the sigh of relief from Spike when Xander picked up the phone; lots of sniffles to be heard before he spoke.

"H-hello?" Remin smiled softly, still keeping Rupert braced against his chest.

"Hello there Xander, how're you feeling today?"

"I-I am ok Remin, just a little upset."

"Why is that lovie? Tell me everything." Giles smiled affectionately at his lover, stroking his thumb over the hand wrapped around him. Remin had such a way with Xander, always able to talk sense into him when needed.

"Oh really? That's a shame. I promise you that William and Rupert aren't seeing one another; I keep him very busy in bed so he doesn't have a chance to run off on me." Giles blushed deeply, smiling a little when he heard Xander laughing in between sniffles.

"Is that really why you think he finds you unattractive? Xander, William loves you to pieces; you know that. He's just concerned about your condition." Giles looked up to Remin's face with a curious look.

"I don't bloody think you're fat! You're gorgeous to me love!" Giles could hear Spike hollering in exasperation in the background, causing Xander to yell back in denial.

"Listen to me Xander, listen well. Do you know why William called us?" A few more sniffles and a mumbled 'no' was received.

"He wanted to know if I was home to ask me a few questions. Do you know what those questions were about?" Remin spoke to Xander in soft, soothing tones. Sometimes Giles wondered if he used his abilities on the man since he'd become pregnant. Another mumbled 'no', and Xander seemed a lot calmer.

"William wanted to know if there were any positions or sexual interactions he could do with you that wouldn't 'cause you discomfort or hurt the baby."

"…oh!...Really?" The sound of pleased shock in Xander's voice would have made Giles laugh if it wasn't for the fact he was embarrassed by his lover's words.

"Why yes Xander. He wants to be with you very bad but with his strength, he's afraid of hurting the baby. So why don't you go to the restroom, wash your face up, and go wait in the bedroom for him so I can let him know what he wants. Alright lovie?"

"Oki-doki Remin, thank you." A huge smirk of satisfaction worked its way across his face as he heard Xander plant a kiss on Spike with a flirtatious "see you soon," before the phone was picked up.

"Whatever the bloody hell you did, you have to tell me. I've never been able to get him that calm before."

"It's a skill that takes years to develop William. You owe me, but I believe I'll cash the favor in now instead of later."

"…what is it you want?" Remind chuckled at the cautious tone before kissing along Giles' jaw again.

"It's simple, really. Xander thinks you find him fat and unappealing because you won't have sex with him. I know you're worried about hurting him and the baby, but don't. It's quite simple really. Either screw him from behind on all fours or allow him to ride you, that way he can control the depth." There was silence on the other end, and Remin couldn't help the shit-eating grin that appeared upon his face.

"He should be in bed waiting for you by now. Have fun William." With that, he hung up the phone, laughter bubbling up from his chest.

"Did you just give him pointers on how to have sex with my son?" Remin smiled, tracing his thumb along his lover's mouth. Giles had pretty much adopted Xander after the ordeal.

"Why yes love, I believe I did." Giles couldn't help but shake his head in exasperation, a small blush on his cheeks.

"You're a dirty old man." With swift movement, he had Giles pressed up against the wall; lips hovering above his own.

"You love this dirty old man."

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Spike took deep breaths, arms finally laid lax on both sides of his body while Xander lay on his side right up against him; one hand braced along his stomach.

"You alright love?" Spike asked, reaching over to rub his hand over the enlarged stomach of his mate. Xander had a huge, but sated grin on his face.

"I am as long as you promise we can do that again later." Spike couldn't help but laugh and grin; leaning over to kiss Xander gently.

"Promise."

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_xD Yeah, so that's that :) I just kind of thought of it & it made me giggle so I had to write it up. In the future if I ever think of random tid-bits that follow the after story of KTRY I will post them. Thanks for all the love everyone! -R.F.  
_


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